last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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