My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
