nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
