I think my fart just growled at me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
