and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
