Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm like, not good at living.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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