you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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