Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
4 words: hood of his car
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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