i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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