She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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