I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
