we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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