That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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