i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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