brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
