hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
