He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
