people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
