you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
