I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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