Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
