I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
