you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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