Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
