We named our party play list daddy issues
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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