i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
