i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
