so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
