I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
