I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
