all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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