I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
