i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
