the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
