lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
