Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
