Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
