I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
