I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I forgot how hot balto sounded
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
