i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
