I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
