I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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