also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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