my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
