I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
