This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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