when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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