its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You left your phone here
Wait...
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