does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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