just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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