You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
