I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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