I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
