I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
